The cyclical dread
A bad (medical) omen…
… Inordinate weight gain or low urine flow or fever or inordinate weight loss…
Any of them, or any combination of them can mean a variety of things.
It may be a sign of something benign, or something drastic. Mostly the threat lies somewhere in between.
But the dread is ever present…
…first the dread when I detect the problem.
Then the dread till the moment I am confirmed the problem is serious enough to be discussed with the Doctor.
Subsequently the dread after messaging the Doctor. Which test he will advise? The tests may need me to leave the house, which can be uncomfortable in my current situation. And the Doctor could advise me to get admitted to the hospital too.
Next is the dread after I get the tests done. What will be the results?
Following that there is the dread of reading the report after they arrive.
Finally, the dread when I send the ball to the Doctor’s court, and he tells me the implications of the report and the way ahead…
Being careful is very important. Self-preservation may be just as crucial.
I may be doing all the other things in life in a perfect way. I may be living those perfect days I dream about. But the dread spoils it all. It prevents me from taking pride in my efforts, my sacrifices, and my fight.
It’s not pretty.
But the good work done, even when I am at a bad place, doesn’t go away.
I am just not ready, mentally and emotionally to appreciate the work.
But it has the same merit, whatever my state of mind.
Unfortunately, the dread takes away the pride in the effort and does not let the potence of the achievement register.
There is a serious chance I lose motivation to keep doing those beautiful things.
Which is a shame, even as it is a very natural and human response to lose heart in such circumstances.
I could try to find the perfect balance of carefulness and levity
And try just to ‘record and report’…
…but I am human.
I feel the pain.
I am prone to despair.
Why this?
Why again?
Why me?
Why does it never end?
Will it ever end?
What a way to ruin a perfect day.
Doing all the good things from the moment I wake, and in the evening arrives the report of doom (it always arrives between 6-8PM) which I have to send to the doctor, and wait for his reply with a great deal of stress and paranoia…
Talking helps…
Writing helps too…
so does the no nonsense ‘record and report’ practice…
…and the ‘I want to be the best in the world/ king of the United States of America’. About this doctrine- thinking about all the nagging worries and issues will get me nowhere. A solution focused thought process requires me to think as little as possible (which is the primary aim of this doctrine). Its only when the mind has some breathing space can it manoeuvre and find solutions to things. Only in this way of existing will it be strong enough to brush off the needless worrying.
But I am never so wise,
I am seldom so strong.
But I can try to do things to ameliorate the dread. Do as much as I can…
…find varying levels of success
or find nothing at times…
As can happen in life…
as has happened with me so many times…
but we can’t stop living…
We can’t stop the next thing which will happen to us.
We may win some mental and emotional battles
We may lose more.
I just hope I am able to remember the good things I have discovered for myself…
…and apply them for gaining various levels of salvation.
And even if I get nothing, that I keep trying…
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