If the tables turned and I had to take care of my father

If the tables turned and I had to take care of my father...

..him totally dependent on me…

..scary proposition…

..because I have never taken care of anyone.

My father has always babied me. He never got me to work chores or sat me down to teach me a lesson. He has always tolerated my mood swings and temper tantrums. He has been a total gentleman about those indiscretions of mine and I have a feeling he doesn’t take it to heart.

If he does, shame on me.

Like with all things that are easy, come easily or are convenient (for me), I let the events unfold in the regular, breezy way.

There is a problem with that.

I am over 30 years old now. It’s almost painful to speak out my exact age, so I will not tell you. It’s high time I took some responsibility, put my foot down, and say “Let me do this. You shouldn’t be doing all this stuff for me. You shouldn’t be fulfilling my chores”.

In the past I have worried it would set a detrimental precedent, and I would be expected to do good, and be good all the time. After having stalled for so long, it’s time for me to break the old walls down.

The eleventh hour asks for transformation.

Father has shown some of his age since I got sick. He has always been careless and forgetful, but the confusion and diffidence are new developments. His mistakes have become a lot more frequent and conspicuous.

I see/find fault in every action of his. I shout and rage my head off, in response. He gets shocked at my sudden fury, which is a pathetic condition I put him in. I can’t do ‘anything’ behind the shield of my illness. I can’t do ‘everything’ I can get away with.

I need to diminish my anger issues by any/all possible means, starting with the ones I know to work- cold bathing, walking, exercising, and deep breathing.

Also, why blame him for doing something incorrectly? I can take charge and do those things myself. I am just unconsciously trying to stall the natural progression of my roles and responsibilities. It’s my time to take on the mantel, but I am testing the waters to see how far I can delay the process.

But the witches have spoken/prophesied. It already is beyond the juncture for me to assume my duties and stop abusing my father in the shadow of my illness or blood pressure issues.

He will make mistakes. He has shown enough proof of so. I should absorb the shock and be a bigger man than I have shown the evidence of being. Time teaches all; let it teach me.

As I have seen with other things and practices, I will get used to the new normal, and be aptly aware of my parent’s whereabouts and health condition. Just like normal people, who know what is up in the lives of their close ones, I will try to find if anything is wrong and what needs monitoring.

And I need to adapt, and roll with the punches. Missteps and shocks will get me one step back and two steps forward, as I learn and grow. I shall change and mature as the journey continues.

Love will carry me through. I shall break the tough circumstances as one breaks a horse. I am tending to the people who adore me so much and are ready to do anything for me. I am their world, as mother tells me.

The love will run on a two-way highway now on.

I will learn to care and give care in due time. Right now I am only receiving care, as a patient. But I can’t just take and take. My parents will get older (they already are) and will progressively have health issues too (as it happens with advancing age).

The process has started and I have begun the acclimatization. The bladder control of the elderly becomes weaker and my father and mother have to go to the washroom at frequent intervals. This is a new detail in my acclimatization diary. Now I find out the location of washrooms wherever we go together. It has become a staple of our outings.

Likewise I have to learn to keep their condition and problems in mind, as far as I can think of them. I shall do as much as I can, and learn from every shortfall.