A
Sometimes I want to think fast.
Sometimes, I want to think slowly.
Fast
I wish to think quickly when I know I have a mountain to climb. I am then trying to find an extra inch, and to save every minute. I could do something worthwhile/important /brilliant in the smallest of windows I hence salvage.
In such a state, excess media consumption tastes like salty food- unpalatable. I feel repulsed by any time wastage. TV shows seem too long, I can’t wait for them to finish. I know what I can do with my resources and what I can achieve with the right actions and correct habits.
Slow
I want to think slow when I am intent on escaping the truth. I avoid leaving the bed in such instances. Even if I am capable of a virtuous existence, I end up living an extremely lazy and convenient life of youtube and TV- a dopamine addicted existence.
I breeze through the shows. Enticing content is never too far away.
It will never be.
Such blessed existence this… I convince myself I deserve to laze about; some other moments I feel guilt and shame, yet I can’t find the courage and the conviction to do the right thing.
I stop taking my daily walks. I forget who I truly am and what the time I wasted could be spent doing.
B
An unrelated post. (I pay by the {number of} post{s}. So…..)
When I break the cycle of a consistent work and study schedule, I am plagued by the guilt demon.
Am I not strong enough? Are my goals not important enough? Will I ever reach my dreams?
Of course I won’t. One who can’t fulfill a promise made to himself, and chooses to ditch the perfect plan deserves to lose out.
The demon whispers this in my ear.
But is it true?
I am at a difficult place. There has been no progress in the treatment of my illness. Years have passed and my career is doomed.
It’s a bit too much- and yes, I feel bad for myself. It is a valid excuse because it is true.
Is it so wrong to lose hope? It is criminal to disregard logic? Is it sinful to seek ignorance and to embrace nothingness?
No. It is not.
I feel smart when I (systematically) read and write (and speak). The journey through the woodlands of words and their meanings is invariably a blissful experience to me. It gets me in a condition to enjoy everything more. As my mind gets focused as a monk’s, I feel invincible. But I don’t continue to do these things.
Because people don’t do the right things all the time.
When I am not under the spell of the singularity I spun for myself, I forget what it felt like. The desensitizing trick (played by the namesake demon) is for real; it takes away the ability to remember the brilliance of a focused state of mind.
So can I go back and do the good things starting today?
Maybe I Can. Of course I can. But if I don’t, I have a fabulously decent reason to do so, an irrefutable alibi.
But I can always go back to doing the good things (even if it’s for merely 15 minutes).
I could get a haircut today, at the least.
C
Another one of those unrelated posts--
Youtube will always be alluring and fun, but only when there is nothing more interesting/important to do. If it comes in the way of something bigger and better, I will refrain from all the ill habits for the superior option.
D
One more…….
If I had to do something a while ago- and I could have easily taken care of it- but still I didn’t- it leads me towards a strange path...
I can niptao it today, but if I attempt to do so, I will feel guilty of not doing it sooner. So even if I act and put the right step forward, I will still being reminded (by the dread demon) of being insufficient. I am bound to be wrong irrespective of my positive actions.
It is a strange predicament, where the remembrance of a past omission makes me abstain from going in the right direction today.
So will I get that haircut (today)? And go for a walk perhaps? Is a lapse just fine? And can I start over again?
E
St. Augustine would have said,” The construction of a building is abandoned not when the bricklaying is halted for a week. It is forsaken when the builder runs out of spirit and motive to finish his project. He starts he stops he starts he stops.
But he knows what he wants and what he likes. That is vital. It is the reason the building will be finished.”
I believe I know where I want to go, so the intermittent loss of direction should surely be a part of the process.
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