When the needle exits

After a dialysis session ends, the needles need to be withdrawn from the arm.

There are two ways to withdraw the needle. At one go; or a little bit initially, followed by pulling it out completely.

The second option is less painful, however the torment is longer. It is the preferable option. The suffering in this scenario can be classified into pre-pain and main-pain.

Sometimes what you think is pre-pain is the main variety; it happens when the needle exits effortlessly. However, sometimes, you are waiting for the pain to subside, you wait some more, but it still persists.

The only thing you can do is to wait, and sometimes it is a long wait……

But there’s one thing about pain. It builds character.

For about 3 months following my hospitalization (November 2019), I could not sleep lying down. I slept sitting upright. But I was content, as it was a lesser hassle than the pain I felt after my kidney biopsy.

The discomfort caused by biopsy was mellower than when I couldn’t breathe, and had to gasp for air. It was the most harrowing experience of my life.

I was shifted to the ICU. A mask-helmet hybrid was planted over my face. At first I thought I was better off gasping for the oxygen I needed for staying alive. While its use was essential, I was breathing needles.

I told them it was too painful, that they take it off, but they knew it would work. I was not to know. I thought there was a good chance I would not make it out of this predicament. In dark times, when everything seems to be going to the shits, we are bombarded by negative thoughts and outcomes.

In some time, after following their instructions, I managed to draw breath rhythmically. There were long inhalations and exhalations. The whole endeavor made considerable noise. Generally no one thinks about breathing; at this moment, I couldn’t think of anything else.

It was the longest night of my life.

The helmet was dislodged when the hospital staff saw I could manage to respire normally. This was at about 12 noon the next day.

The whole night I thought I would die if I slept. I was not to know that the body does not give up that easy. And sleeping was impossible under such strain.

I learnt that once you are given such agony, you are also provided with the power to deal with it. You can’t let yourself die. The will to live is a strong force.

Now whenever I feel I’m troubled, or am suffering, invariably I remember those moments.

I survived that, surely I can survive this.